The only “right” way of doing kink is doing it in a way that honours your nervous system. Knowing yourself, including your nervous system, your communication needs and how you mask, can be a way of building a sustainable kink practice that works for you and the people you play with.
Because neurodivergence is, by definition, a nervous system difference, it is rare that a neurodivergent person is in that happy balance of stimulation. Like any nervous system experience, it helps to understand what's happening so we can work with it rather than against it.
The word neurodivergence comes from neuron, as in nerve, mind-body, relating to the nervous system, and divergence, meaning differing from the norm. So neurodivergence is a nervous system that differs from the norm.
Somatic healing can help us process trauma that has become stuck in the body. It can bring us back to the body. This way, we can slowly, gently, move away from being stuck in survival and move towards living in a state of nervous system regulation.
Excitement can show up in the body as an elevated heart-rate; as short, shallow breathing. But so can anxiety and anger. The nervous system of a trauma survivor may become activated through excitement but this very activation becomes triggering and is read as fear, anxiety or danger.
Once we step away from the Freud-inspired trope of fancying your mum or a compulsion to relive something awful that happened to you, we can see a much more beautifully complex relationship between trauma and kink.
Mapping our nervous system in a scene in the way we have in this series is the start of a journey of curiosity. This self-knowledge and self-inquiry will hopefully lend your scenes a new edge to explore, and a new way to think about yourself and your kinks.
We go into a kink scene with the intention of playing with elements of the sympathetic nervous system: a little bit of fear, an elevated heart-rate, intense focus. Or maybe playing with elements of dorsal vagal: disconnection, a lowered heart-rate, floaty feelings.
Kink often isn’t about entering one state, but about intentionally moving between states while maintaining connection. Looking at the descriptions of the different nervous system states, ask yourself, Where am I during a scene that I’m enjoying?
Every touch, word, command, sensation, and moment of stillness is input. That input is not just interpreted cognitively; it is processed through the mind-body - through systems that evolved to keep us safe, connected, and alive.
When we bring our attention away from doing and into sensing, it automatically brings the focus away from chasing sensation and into experiencing sensation. Deepened awareness of the senses can make them more powerful and intense, potentially changing the scene completely.
When we honour the one-ness of mind and body, we begin to see kink not as an escape from ourselves, but as a way back into ourselves. Somatics gives us a way to understand kink not just as an activity, but as a conversation between our senses, systems, and selves.